I’m bad about writing about my life.
The poor abandoned state of this here blog should tell anyone that. I’m terrible at it. I don’t even post updates on Facebook, other than the occasional Instagram picture or a share of a funny.
I’m not a sharer. Yet, I started a blog, about three years ago, to share that. I think it was my effort to try to share more. I’ve done okay over the years, but I think that I need to get back in the habit of getting my thoughts out, even just a little bit, especially as I struggle with issues surrounding my body, self image, and the changing status of life in general.
My body and I have always had a tenuous relationship. Between trying to run and my feet failing me, trying to balance grad school/work/sleep and finding that it didn’t leave time for exercise (or that I simply didn’t have the motivation and when I did, I ended up even more exhausted afterwards), and general budget/time/lack of kitchen space constraints on cooking efforts.. I’m back in a place with my body where I have to stop, think, and reevaluate what healthy is to me.
Healthy is not where I am on the scale. Healthy is something that’s probably lower than I am now, but I’m working on finding healthy as something that I feel, not that I need outside validation of from the red blinking numbers on a machine.
I like being active. Prioritizing it is the hard part, so I try to work it into my daily life. Purposefully take the stairs. Walk the long way back from lunch. Take a bike ride before sitting down for homework. Some days it’s purposeful. Others it’s not. When my pedometer tells me that I’ve only walked 4,000 steps, but I’ve done my grocery shopping, gotten a paper written, and have my meals for the week mostly portioned out… I’m gonna count it as a win, steps or no steps.
So here’s to documenting that again, and keeping myself aware. Because if I force myself to put it out there, I’m more likely to keep acknowledging it. Not judging, not pressuring myself, just acknowledging. Being aware. And then strengthening the good parts, and slowly removing the weak.
I guess the ‘thing’ is, I’m trying. And that’s all I can do. And that is okay.